Absolutely ‘Criminal’

Any time a little girl playing hide-and-seek says, “This time you’re never gonna find me,” you know you’re in for a rough hour.
The premiere of the “Criminal Minds” spinoff “Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior” shamelessly baits viewers by putting children in jeopardy. An elite team of FBI agents led by Academy Award-winner Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”) searches for a kidnapper with an unusual motive for snatching girls off the streets.
Whitaker plays Sam Cooper, a behavioral analyst who specializes in seeing the world through a killer’s eyes. The 49-year-old actor brings depth to an underwritten part and a Zen-like way with the most banal dialogue. “Sometimes you can talk a man off a ledge. Sometimes a man’s just gotta jump, y’know?” he says.
Comedian Janeane Garofalo, who has taken on serious roles of late (“24”), plays his top field agent Beth Griffith. Her line delivery suggests she’s confused her script with a diner menu.
In the premiere’s most preposterous twist, one of Sam’s agents is a man who killed a child molester, served time and was officially pardoned for the crime. Part of the thin suspense centers on whether John “Prophet” Sims (Michael Kelly) will snap as the team interrogates suspects. It strains belief that he’d ever be allowed back in law enforcement, much less investigate a case involving a child predator.
The mother ship’s techno-guru Penelope (Kirsten Vangsness) moonlights on this show, but her skills accessing databases border on magic. You can imagine Sam demanding the identity of a killer with a vowel in his first name and Penelope returning with the match in seconds.
Also on the other team: Beau Garrett (Gina LaSalle) and Matt Ryan (Mick Rawson). She’s a woman; he’s got an English accent. Marvel at the complexities of CBS crime procedurals.
Whitaker is no stranger to TV. He brilliantly played an off-center cop battling against Vic Mackey on FX’s “The Shield” (2006-2007). But in exchange for a steady paycheck, the actor has short-changed himself doing this depressing dirge of depravity.
In “See No Evil” (March 2), a teen star from the 1980s portrays a killer with perhaps the worst, most convoluted motive for a crime spree. The grisly visuals border on torture porn for commercial television; the story reflects how badly these procedurals have degraded over the years, forced to come up with increasingly more over-the-top motives for murder. If cookie-cutter cruelty is your nightcap, this show will send you well off to sleep.