'American Idol' recap: Cattle Call

On Wednesday's Austin, Texas auditions episode of American Idol, a few promising bumpkins made it through, a teenage fowl impersonator stalked Ryan Seacrest, and the producers milked Steven Tyler's obvious star power for all it was worth. They gotta stop doing that. As Seacrest teased yesterday over the radio, a card apologizing for "LAST WEEK'S OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR BY STEVEN TYLER" did indeed appear at the top of the show. Then a second later, Steven Tyler swore again, or was about to. It was all pretty lame and confusing. Just let him swear! You don't need to make it a thing.
The following kiddos (plus Shauntel Campos, Alex Carr, and Caleb Johnson, who shared the dreaded split-ends edit) earned golden tickets in Austin...
Corey Levoy, a 21-year-old from Longview, Texas, went horseback riding in a very tender montage with his sister, then sang "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt for the judges. Aww, same as Carrie. Corey 'n' Carrie, sittin' in a tree. With his sister. Corey has a very high voice and a self-proclaimed "J. Lo booty," but Steven confidently assured him he wouldn't be teased about his voice any longer. Oh, Steven. You're so young, so naive. Appearing on American Idol is one of the only surefire ways to get teased in this country any more. You're new; you'll learn. I can't wait to see how uncomfortable J. Lo will be in Hollywood when she must face (cheek?) this booty challenger again. She'll be seated the whole time. He'll have a clear advantage. Can she handle it?
Hollie Cavanaugh from Liverpool could definitely not handle herself during her two-part creaky wooden roller coaster of an audition. Randy called her out for switching keys five times on Etta James' "At Last," but J. Lo saw something in Hollie. She was so young. So blonde. So British. And that special something J. Lo saw was....the chance to emotionally torture a 17-year-old for a few seconds plus an entire commercial break. This was a real nail-biter. Would young Hollie go through with her nervous breakdown, or would she live to sing another song? Either option was a win for the producers. What's it gonna be, girl? Well, duh. Hollie pulled herself up from Terror Mountain's deepest crevasse with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I counted seven different keys in her first verse, but as the lyrics switched from doomsville ("Lost with no direction/My faith is shaking") to hopeful ("But I gotta keep trying/Gotta keep my head held high"), Holly suddenly found her groove and a shred of confidence. She's just being Miley, y'all. Yikes. I mean, she has potential. But for now, what a mess.